Monday, August 18, 2008

Open letters to bands/artists that make me wish I was never born

Dear Creed,

You are, and always will be, the band I love to hate the most. Ever. You remind me that human beings make horrible choices in life. One of them being the creation of this band, and another being actually liking your music. You had a pompous shit-show for a lead singer who insisted on over enunciating every lyric that flew out of his mouth. Oh yeah, and he likes to beat up on his wife. I thank whatever power it was that broke you up. Unfortunately, your music lives on.

Dear Nickelback,

You rank right up there with Creed, and that’s not a good thing. Your soft rock that you try to pass off as real rock is a shame, and your lead singer’s voice sounds like he just ate gravel for breakfast. He also makes me wish I was rolling Hellen Keller style. I’m not sure why so many people find your band appealing, but hopefully it doesn’t last too long.

Dear Shaggy and/or Sean Paul (they are basically the same person),

Stop pretending you are from the Carribean and stop singing in a made-up cartoon voices. Your (Sean Paul) music makes young girls have seizures, true story, and you are a nuisance to the music world.

Dear Akon,

I don’t like it when I’m listening to a song and think to myself, “Did this guy lose his nuts somewhere?” I’m not digging your nasally woman voice and it’s not cool that you recreate sexual acts with 14-year-olds on stage.

None of you deserve the punishment of having to watch videos of these artists on this blog, so instead I will leave you with an instant classic courtesy of The Soup. Enjoy.


Chele said...

I stand firmly beside you on ALL your choices here, then aain you and me have such similar taste in music we like we also hate EXACTLY the same artists.

I have never been a fan of Shakira or Beyonce, stop sounding like a chicken on the run.

Jez said...

Wow. I was worried my Hateful Dead post was too hard on Jerry Garcia, but this was done much better than mine. It's good that we talk about artists we like, but I think it's even better we call out those who have helped basically destroyed any time we might enjoy in places where we are slaves to whatever the radio station being played over the PA might bring. I'd have to throw Limp Bizkit and Korn in the mix as well.

Boo said...

Dear Celine Dion...


Felicia said...

Chele-I don't really like Shakira either, but she doesn't make me want to murder.

Jez-Limp Bizkit is also tied with Fred Durst, who is the leader of all d-bags. Good addition.

Boo-But her voice is like angels on a cool spring day!

Anonymous said...

Dear Kid Rock,

Are you really a completely talentless hack that can only steal other popular music, add bad, new lyrics and assault us with the dreck all summer or are you the walking dead you appear to be? In which case some record company is inflicting this on us and must be stopped.

Actually in either case - it must be stopped!

Felicia said...

Anon-I totally was going to add him to the list too! If I hear that GD song one more effing time I'm going to go Carrie on someone's ass.