Open letters to bands/artists that make me wish I was never born

Dear Creed,

You are, and always will be, the band I love to hate the most. Ever. You remind me that human beings make horrible choices in life. One of them being the creation of this band, and another being actually liking your music. You had a pompous shit-show for a lead singer who insisted on over enunciating every lyric that flew out of his mouth. Oh yeah, and he likes to beat up on his wife. I thank whatever power it was that broke you up. Unfortunately, your music lives on.

Dear Nickelback,

You rank right up there with Creed, and that’s not a good thing. Your soft rock that you try to pass off as real rock is a shame, and your lead singer’s voice sounds like he just ate gravel for breakfast. He also makes me wish I was rolling Hellen Keller style. I’m not sure why so many people find your band appealing, but hopefully it doesn’t last too long.

Dear Shaggy and/or Sean Paul (they are basically the same person),

Stop pretending you are from the Carribean and stop singing in a made-up cartoon voices. Your (Sean Paul) music makes young girls have seizures, true story, and you are a nuisance to the music world.

Dear Akon,

I don’t like it when I’m listening to a song and think to myself, “Did this guy lose his nuts somewhere?” I’m not digging your nasally woman voice and it’s not cool that you recreate sexual acts with 14-year-olds on stage.

None of you deserve the punishment of having to watch videos of these artists on this blog, so instead I will leave you with an instant classic courtesy of The Soup. Enjoy.

Hope Everyone Had a Vampire Weekend

Being a part of this blog has made me realize that even though I know about more music than the average person, I am falling behind on all the newer good music coming out these days. It's overwhelming to me, actually. You've got myspace, where anyone can put songs of their band up, and that's great, but how much crap do you have to go through just to find the good stuff? Truly, it's unfair of me to say "crap" because a lot of the stuff I find on Myspace is quite decent, or at least good enough for the girls I go with.

I've had a subscription to Rolling Stone since around 1987. While they are frustrating at times (Kings of Leon gets a mention it seems, every other month, but my favorites, The Drive-By Truckers, where are they? They truly deserve a cover, even though they're not pretty, but then, when was rock and roll ever pretty?), I am able to keep up on some popular stuff, but by no means get the goods on stuff that is causing a buzz.

A couple of weekends ago, I was at my local library. For a town of 20,000 people, we have an AWESOME A/V department in our library. Passing by the "new" section, I saw the Vampire Weekend CD. I grabbed it, figuring I really knew nothing about the band, save perhaps, a proper mention in Rolling Stone, or somewhere on the web.

I found it quirky at first. Were these guys from England, or are they Ivy League rich kids turning out rock and roll? I still have not investigated this, other than a quick review of the liner notes, and I'm still not sure. Not sure I want to kill the mystery, although it's all right if you do so in the comments section.

Overall, I'd probably give this debut 3/5 stars, but I haven't listened to it all the way through. On first listen, I probably would have told you that "Walcott" was my favorite song. Typical melody, with really snotty lyrics about Cape Cod. I dig that the singers voice is very pleasant, and when he claims that "The Bottleneck is a shit-show", it's way more powerful than when some metal or punk dude is screaming "fuck".
Then I found the "Oxford Comma" video:

The song itself is pretty great. Dig the line, "Why would you lie about how much coal you have?" What does that mean? I don't know, but it sticks with me everywhere I go.
"A Punk" is pretty awesome as well:

The last tune I'm going to mention is the closer, "The Kids Don't Have a Chance." I love the keyboard in this one. This sort of sounds like it was influenced by Elvis Costello.

Maybe I'm behind on discussing these guys. My friend, Tommy Tune, states that the blogosphere has already hyped these guys up and brought them down. Oh well, I guess I'm not hip. Guess I'll go cower in a corner somewhere.

Fuck that. I never said I was cool, I just know what good music sounds like, and a lot of these tunes are simple, but fantastic. It's been a while since I've heard 50's-styled, clean guitar work. It's a pleasant surprise.

I definitely recommend this album, a cool evening, and a six pack of Three Floyd's Gumball Head Wheat.

HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!!

Hopefully, you all enjoyed our first go-round of Friday themes. Sadly, we're done with party music, so it's time for a new Friday theme. This time it's... guilty pleasures. That's right, the stuff you listen to when no one's around, the stuff you pretend you hate but secretly love. The music that, when your friend finds it on your iPod, you're all redfaced and "I have no idea how that got there. My wife must have put it there!"

Since I believe in leading by example, I shall go first. All of these will actually be found on my hard drive, and in some cases, on my iPod. Heeeeeere we go.

Queensrÿche: Sadly, they're probably best known for the soul-suckingly horrendous "Silent Lucidity," off of their "Empire" album. While the bizarre, fascist/political intrigue/hitman concept album Operation: Mindcrime is far from a classic (in fact, it's pretty terrible), when I was 14? That shit blew my mind. So... um... I still, you know, know all the lyrics. I've also been known to listen to it at alarmingly loud volumes in my car, and even rock out a little, despite it's gratuitous cheesetasticness. Ahem.



Christina Aguilera: I'm not proud of it, OK? She freaks me out, and she might actually be a cyborg. But damn if she doesn't have a serious voice on her. There's really only one song that I like, mainly because of the background music and in it. Here's an excellent live version of "Ain't No Other Man":



Mandy Moore: I'm killing myself here, aren't I? Fuck it, that's the point. OK, look: Mandy Moore is beautiful, and she's actually an excellent actor. She's also got a great voice, which I really realized in this song, "Umbrella," which is actually a (gulp!) Rihanna cover. The original kind of blows, but this version - give it a listen before you judge, you pricks:



Megadeth: There was a time when Megadeth fuckin' rawked.. I actually had a giant Megadeth patch on my denim jacket when I was 13 (that my (incredibly patient) mom sewed on for me, of course). I thought that they and Metallica were the coolest bands on the planet. I still have great affection for Dave Mustaine's weird, whiny voice. Here's "Holy Wars," featuring them in all their shirtless, tight-pantsed, metal glory. I've been known to throw my head around while listening to this... and perhaps toss up a goat horn or two.



Boston: Oh, fuck me. This is probably the reason fucking Itunes keeps recommending shitty classic rock albums to me. Look, it's not out of some sense of regional appreciation - I don't care that their name is Boston. I'm not that much of a local fanboy. I just... I just dig 'em. And not just "More Than a Feeling" and "Peace of Mind," either. I genuinely and unironically listen to the entire eponymous album (and sing at the top of my lungs. I get a lot of weird looks when I'm in the car). I can't help it. I'm a moth and Brad Delp is my flame. Here's what's easily the best track, "Let Me Take You Home Tonight," from a time when calling women "mama" wasn't weird or creepy at all.



Nuclear Assault: Speaking of throwin' up a goat... the worst of old-school speed metal. Seriously. They're awful. Up there with Testament, and yet... and yet, a few months ago I found myself trying to track down their old albums. God forgive me. Here's "Critical Mass," their sad effort to be environmentally conscious. Hey, at least I didn't pick "Hang the Pope."



I'd say I've shamed myself enough for one day... or lifetime.

A Good Man is Hard to Find: FATWAPCOOTER and The Ladies of Jazz

Billie Holiday was the first jazz singer I ever heard, and at 13, it was electrifying. Her facile voice, her emotive delivery, and the way she makes it sound so easy all intoxicated me. She is the reason I sing jazz. She never had an easy road, and you can hear her every inflection filled with memory and passion.

If this song doesn't give you goosebumps, you've never been in love and I despair for you. Find love, find it quick, and when you do, listen to Billie.

Billie Holiday, My Man


Nina Simone is that raw, fierce, unbridled energy that comes from having your heart broken one too many times and deciding to scream about it rather than curl up and hide. She puts herself into her music. She sings her life.

Nina Simone, My Man's Gone Now


Bessie Smith is also known as The Empress of Blues. She paved the way for female jazz and blues singers alike, and is still heralded for her incredibly unique voice and forceful presentation. Fucking love her.

Bessie Smith, A Good Man is Hard to Find


Lena Horne has a beautifully pure and technically perfect voice. She embodies the Old Hollywood musical ideal; elegant perfomance style, a tightly controlled vibrato, and a range that could make buffaloes weep with envy.

Lena Horne, Stormy Weather


Peggy Lee is best known for Fever, and with good reason. Damn can that woman make sex with her voice! But here she is, with her husband, guitarist Dave Barbour, making nice and singing a beautiful love song. If you want to create a romantic atmosphere, light some candles, grab your lover, and sway to this song for a little.

Peggy Lee, I Only Have Eyes for You


Ah. The best for last. The First Lady of Song. The woman that I wish I could be. Ella. Ella Ella Ella. She is the smoothest of silk. She makes two octave runs sounds like playschool. She puts the Scat Man to shame. She is the biggest influence in my musical life, and I hope I can meet her in the great whatever one day.
I can't choose just one for her. I don't want to have to.

Ella Fitzgerald, Cry Me A River


Now do yourself a solid and listen to how it should be sung. (Scarlett Johanson needs to stick with being a live pin-up girl and step away from the Summertime.)
Ella Fitzgerald, Summertime

Greetings and Salutations

Good morning, Gentle Readers...

I thought about how to introduce myself to you and to my fellow writers (whom, except for Kelsi, I have just 'met', if that is the right word for beginning a collaboration with people I have never spoken to- but that is not really a discussion for this venue...), and I decided that the best way would be to take a look at my 'Most Played' playlist and go from there. So I started with the top 25, and after I limited the artists that appeared in the list more than once to a single representative piece I am left with thirteen songs with which to begin to present myself.

Million Miles by Bob Dylan

Bob Dylan, of course, is classic, and I have always enjoyed his music. When Time Out of Mind came out, though, I was blown away. This was a new Bob Dylan... a lot more country-bluesy, a lot more just plain fun. The lyrics remain his unique mix of poetry and half nonsense, and this whole album just rocks. This song also encapsulates one of my favorite musical themes: that of loneliness. I am sure that will be apparent as you work your way down the list...

Boogie On The Beach by The Red Elvises

Russian surfer guitar rock? Yes. Yes, yes, yes. I found these guys because of the movie Six String Samurai. You should check that out, too...


I Never Cared For You by Willie Nelson

Another classic performer. I am not sure I even have the vocabulary to sing Willie's praises. In the little bit of space I am allotting myself here; I see a much more detailed posting in the future.


Thirteen by Johnny Cash

If I had to pick a single favorite artist, it would be Johnny Cash. His music is smart, sometimes funny, and so diverse. How can you not love a man who Glen Danzig writes songs for?

(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction by Cat Power

One of my other soft spots, musically, is a good cover. Not a note-for-note rendition with no imagination; I mean a real cover, a re-interpretation of the original. This song is just that.


Barricades and Brickwalls by Kasey Chambers

This is the opposite of loneliness; this is, 'You're mine and I am going to do whatever it takes to have you.' I like that, too. Kasey Chambers, though, I am ambivalent about. Half of her music is kick ass, like this, and I love it. The other half is whiney and just. so. tired. At least, to me. Your results may vary.


Paper Kitten Nightmare by Margot & The Nuclear So and So's

This is one of my more recent favorites. The chorus kills me every time.

Long Way Down (Look What the Cat Drug In) by Michael Penn

Michael Penn is another of my all-time favorites. His lyrics are smart and subtle and even scathing at times, and full of depth. This particular one, as you might imagine, is probably my favorite of his. It is heart-wrenching in that way that it must be apparent to you by now that I really like. (Is that sentence really awkward or what?)

Whisper by Slovo
Audio Link to Whisper
I find this one to be heart-wrenchingly beautiful. Maybe that makes me soft. But what can I say, it speaks to me...


I'm the Only Hell My Mamma Ever Raised by Johnny Paycheck

Along with some of Johnny Cash's stuff and a lot of David Allen Coe's, this Johnny Paycheck song represents a certain sub-genre of country music that I like to think of as Redneck Thug. It's pure genius.

Come As You Are by The King

For someone like me who likes a good cover, this is the motherlode. An Elvis impersonator covering Nirvana's Come as You Are as if Elvis had it re-arranged for himself. It is mind-blowingly good. And he has a whole album of stuff like this...


For Whom the Bell Tolls by Apocalyptica

Another fantastic cover, if you can call such a radical treatment a cover. Who would have thought that Metallica would be so well served by a cello quartet?


About You by Bugs

This is the first electronica that I discovered I liked. I stumbled across it by accident, and fell in love with it, for which I am very grateful. It really opened a lot of doors for me, musically speaking.


And that's the list! I hope that you found some things that you like, and that you will be back for more...

I love this man

Do you love soul music with a modern and hip twist? Jamie Lidell is a hot, hot, hot English nerd and I am madly in love with him. You probably recognize his song “A Little Bit More” from American Target commercials. But I’m telling you, the rest of his stuff is head and shoulders above that sold-out song.

I just saw Jamie Lidell live at Lollapalooza and it only solidified the fact that I have a major crush on him in more ways than one. At one point I looked over at my friend and she had her shirt up exposing her...covered breasts. My other friend even entertained the thought of tossing her panties on stage. This guy can sing from the depths of his soul, beatbox and look good in a cropped tuxedo jacket, a cummerbund and blue dress pants. A nice touch to his newest album, Jim, in the liner he writes stories behind each song instead of the actual lyrics. "All I Wanna Do" from the same album is gut wrenching and tear-worthy. Just revel in his beautiful music for yourself.

Mulitply from the Multiply album

Another Day from the Jim album

Hurricane from the Jim album

Quick Cuts: Black Mountain - "Angel"

I'm definitely going to have to check out more of these guys:




Best enjoyed with Salvator Doppelbock.