lost like a slave that no man could free

ok. my turn! i've been gleefully waiting to talk about my most shameful, dark, guilty music pleasures... but now that it's here, i'm hesitant. what's worth sharing? what's actually not that bad?
i think my deepest shames come in the form of pop music. not britney-christina pop, because seriously, that's not even enjoyable. i'm doing a show right now that uses a song off the new britney album in which she namechecks herself. i think that's just retarded.
so. ahem. anyway. pop music.
well. i'm probably not going to do this story justice, but there was an ad on t.v. a couple of years ago for some service verizon offered having to do with phones that were also music players. (gosh! remember when that was new and innovative?) anyway, there was one that involved a really femme guy working out at the gym, listening to his music, and then he came over and made us listen to his music for a while and then he said "oh, bro, gotta go, that's my lady!" because his phone was ringing. and his lady was calling.
and my roommate and i watched this ad and were both in agreement: there is no way that a dude listening to that song likes ladies.
not that there's anything wrong with homosexuality. not at all. more that there's a severe cognitive dissonance between the hardcore straight dude verizon was trying to play and someone who would listen to this song while, uh, pumping iron. or doing anything, for that matter.
in any case, as that roommate also pointed out "the fat kid with glasses sure can sing." (his words! not mine!) and it's true. he really, really can.
fallout boy - this ain't a scene


it's not totally shocking that some of my deepest, guiltiest musical pleasures have come to me through different media than the songs that i can listen to and still respect myself in the morning. the guilty pleasures often come by way of radio play, or television, or a snatch of something heard (for fuck's sake!) over a public sound system somewhere.
if it weren't for the fact that i lived in a co-op with cable my last year in college, and that cable happened to have an east coast satellite feed, i would never have sat up half the night every night with denieal watching late night music videos on a bastion of "edgy pop" called insomniac music theatre. it was so bad. we knew it was bad. and yet, this is still on my ipod. and i listen to it more than i should admit. this is definitely the worst example of pitch-corrected, automated, boppy pop of which i'm guilty.

the corrs - breathless


then there's this. i had never watched any of their videos before doing this post, but i've been listening to their music for years. now that i've watched some videos, i'm kind of squirming. but trust me - this is the sexiest violin quartet ever. the question is, is this a good thing? suddenly, i'm not so sure. (or maybe it's just the extreme embarrassment of sharing how much i enjoy this group...) (also, don't you think it would be really hard to play your instrument with all those wind machines?)



ok. we've gotten as far out as i'm willing to go. if you're still with me, it either means you really like me (hi, ma!) or you have a really deep sense of schadenfreude. i'm going with the latter.
so, in order to justify you sticking around this long, i'm going to give you some actual good ones.

all of my dear, talented musician friends have a fetish that i couldn't understand for the longest time. steely dan. i didn't get it. why would a young, attractive female jazz singer groove on steely dan? why would a successful, creative, interesting percussionist listen to music meant for my dad?
so i listened, and i listened, and i listened and suddenly, one day, i realized: i had become like them. steely dan is a musician's band, made up of consummate musicians (in whichever incarnation) playing for musicians.
that doesn't mean i'm not going to totally skip these tracks if we're listening to music together.
nonetheless...
steely dan - peg


the next song is another one that if someone gets in your car and this is on, you probably dart to change to the radio before they notice that you're not only listening to tom jones, but you're listening to tom jones sing about killing someone. oh, ha ha! you say brightly. i don't know what that was! some crap!
but it's not crap. you love it. and as soon as you get rid of the person in your passenger seat, you're going to put it back on and listen to the rest. and by "you," of course, i mean "i."

tom jones - delilah


you especially don't want anyone to catch you singing along while you're cleaning your apartment, no no, you really don't.
ahem. so. i feel like now i have to come up with something really alternative and cred-filled to wash away this shame. but you know what? it's kind of fun to wallow a bit.

look at that welsh man go!

HANG YOUR HEAD IN SHAME!!

Hopefully, you all enjoyed our first go-round of Friday themes. Sadly, we're done with party music, so it's time for a new Friday theme. This time it's... guilty pleasures. That's right, the stuff you listen to when no one's around, the stuff you pretend you hate but secretly love. The music that, when your friend finds it on your iPod, you're all redfaced and "I have no idea how that got there. My wife must have put it there!"

Since I believe in leading by example, I shall go first. All of these will actually be found on my hard drive, and in some cases, on my iPod. Heeeeeere we go.

Queensrÿche: Sadly, they're probably best known for the soul-suckingly horrendous "Silent Lucidity," off of their "Empire" album. While the bizarre, fascist/political intrigue/hitman concept album Operation: Mindcrime is far from a classic (in fact, it's pretty terrible), when I was 14? That shit blew my mind. So... um... I still, you know, know all the lyrics. I've also been known to listen to it at alarmingly loud volumes in my car, and even rock out a little, despite it's gratuitous cheesetasticness. Ahem.



Christina Aguilera: I'm not proud of it, OK? She freaks me out, and she might actually be a cyborg. But damn if she doesn't have a serious voice on her. There's really only one song that I like, mainly because of the background music and in it. Here's an excellent live version of "Ain't No Other Man":



Mandy Moore: I'm killing myself here, aren't I? Fuck it, that's the point. OK, look: Mandy Moore is beautiful, and she's actually an excellent actor. She's also got a great voice, which I really realized in this song, "Umbrella," which is actually a (gulp!) Rihanna cover. The original kind of blows, but this version - give it a listen before you judge, you pricks:



Megadeth: There was a time when Megadeth fuckin' rawked.. I actually had a giant Megadeth patch on my denim jacket when I was 13 (that my (incredibly patient) mom sewed on for me, of course). I thought that they and Metallica were the coolest bands on the planet. I still have great affection for Dave Mustaine's weird, whiny voice. Here's "Holy Wars," featuring them in all their shirtless, tight-pantsed, metal glory. I've been known to throw my head around while listening to this... and perhaps toss up a goat horn or two.



Boston: Oh, fuck me. This is probably the reason fucking Itunes keeps recommending shitty classic rock albums to me. Look, it's not out of some sense of regional appreciation - I don't care that their name is Boston. I'm not that much of a local fanboy. I just... I just dig 'em. And not just "More Than a Feeling" and "Peace of Mind," either. I genuinely and unironically listen to the entire eponymous album (and sing at the top of my lungs. I get a lot of weird looks when I'm in the car). I can't help it. I'm a moth and Brad Delp is my flame. Here's what's easily the best track, "Let Me Take You Home Tonight," from a time when calling women "mama" wasn't weird or creepy at all.



Nuclear Assault: Speaking of throwin' up a goat... the worst of old-school speed metal. Seriously. They're awful. Up there with Testament, and yet... and yet, a few months ago I found myself trying to track down their old albums. God forgive me. Here's "Critical Mass," their sad effort to be environmentally conscious. Hey, at least I didn't pick "Hang the Pope."



I'd say I've shamed myself enough for one day... or lifetime.